Au Revoir: August 20, 2019
It was a beautiful day to bury and say a final goodbye to Oliver. It has been a rough seven weeks in total since he had been diagnosed with lymphoma. It was exactly three weeks ago when my heart was totally broken, and I have, since then, learnt a lot about grief, grieving and moving forward.
What I am about to pen is a story in my mind but the ending is real and actually happened. Yes, they do send us signs that they are around. If you read it, please give your fur-baby a hug for me.
The sun was shining and it was 26 degrees. It had rained the day before, and the place Wanda has selected for Oliver’s final resting place was simply a slice of heaven. I have enclosed a picture for all to see including the memorial tree. It is called Pinky Winky, a gorgeous scented hydrangea with pink and lilac flowers that hints of blush pink and cream white. Somehow, I think Oliver would approve. It was his favourite place every Friday since he was a year and a half old. He vacationed there while we traveled, and he called this place his second home. When it was time to come home after a long stay with Wanda’s, Oliver would get depressed and ignore us for almost two weeks. I sense he was not happy returning to a 1,200 sq. ft. apartment after running feral for a whole month and a half. Who can blame him? Although Oliver loved being home, I think he was happiest in the farm. It is because of this, I felt that this should be his final resting place.
As I was placing the last shovel of sand over his grave, tears rolled down, and I was dreading the day ahead. Today was the end of an era for me. I will surrender Oliver earthly remains to the elements of nature. This finality has signaled that I have to accept what was difficult to accept.
Then, I felt a sensation from behind. A cold wet nose brushed against my bare leg, and I turned around. It was Oliver! (He was beautifully brushed, trimmed and glowing. There was an aura surrounding him and he had a quizzed look on him.)
Me: Oliver!!!! What are you doing here!
Oliver: Hi daddy! I missed you. Where have you been? Why are you crying?
Me (confused): How are you here? Am I dreaming?
Oliver: I don’t know. I have been here at the farm for almost three weeks, and I have been waiting for you to pick me up and take me home. The last time I remembered was being at home with you, Daddy David and a very nice woman. I sat on the couch over your lap, and you were crying. I tried to figure out who this woman was because I had never met her. She was very soft spoken, and three of you talked a lot. I did not understand what was being said. I just sat by you wondering why you kept repeating my name.
I remembered the walk we just had a few minutes ago and the short time outside the swimming pool. Your lullaby “You are my Sunshine” still rings in my ear and I loved it. That was a beautiful morning, and one of my favourite walks of all time. You were very patient with me and did not rush me. I had a hard time keeping up, but you slowed down just for me. Thank you. I loved best the moment by the pool and you gave me a chance to catch my breath.
Me: What else did you remember?
Oliver: Not much else. She put some cream in my mouth, and the first thing I noticed was that I was numb all over and the pain that I had been feeling just disappeared. It was the first time in a long time I felt so good and relaxed. But you were crying a lot. It broke my heart to see you so sad, without knowing why. I thought I would just take a nap on your lap because I was still tired after the walk. You kept repeating what a good dog I am.
Me: I wanted to make sure you were not in pain.
Oliver: Well, I wasn’t. Just so comfortable to be in your arms, just like old times.
Me: What else did you remember?
Oliver: The kind woman asked you if you were ready and you said yes. After that, I felt a prick in my stomach and I felt floaty. Then, I decided to hop out of the sofa, and when I turned around, I saw Daddy David and you crying. I called out for you guys, but you guys did not seem to hear me. Since I was feeling so good, I thought we were going out for a walk, maybe a rabbit hunt. So, I ran to the door, and then back to you in the living room. I was trying to get both your attentions. Both of you were still crying and seem to pre-occupied.
I laid down by the foyer looking at you and Daddy David and was wondering why are we still at home on such a beautiful day.
Me: Why didn’t you bark or something so that I could hear you?
Oliver: You know I don’t bark. I snort a lot but often, you don’t hear me at all. But I did wait, like a good boy I was.
Me: How did you end up on the Farm?
Oliver: While I was waiting, I heard the door knock. I went to the door and barked, letting you know there is someone was at the door. None of you responded.
Me: I did not hear you bark.
Oliver: Yeh, I thought that was strange. You always heard me bark and came out to the door to check out who was on the opposite side. You always thanked me and let me out to welcome our friends. That was one of my duties assigned to me since I was a puppy. – to look out and announce strangers at the door.
Me: So how did you end up in the farm?
Oliver: Well, the door opened and there was Wanda! She had a beautiful leash that sparkled and she told me it was time to go. I have never seen a more beautiful leash in my life. I asked her if my daddies knew that I was going off with her and she said “yes,” they knew and it was ok. So here I am. Are we going home? I miss you guys and the food is lousy here.
Me: How are you feeling?
Oliver: I feel fantastic. Those creaky bones and muscle work wonderfully. So, when are we going home?
Me: We are not.
Oliver: WHAT??? Why not? I am starving for some good home cooked food.
Me: You are dead. Oliver. You died on July 27 at 10:20am
Oliver(quizzing): Oh, no one told me that. Then why are you here?
Me: I am here to bury you
Oliver: Ah…Is that my tree?
Me: Yes, you like it?
Oliver: Yes, beautiful. Beautiful flowers. Nicely located by the creek. I like that creek. Wanda does not let me in there because I will come up muddy and she has to clean me up whenever I get in there
Me: I miss you very much Oliver. There is not a single day that goes by that I don’t think about you.
Oliver (Jumping up, giving me a hug and big lick in my ear):
Oh, daddy!!! I miss you too. Does this mean I will never see you again?
Me: I think so. Can I ask you a question Oliver?
Oliver: Yeh, what is it?
Me: What is heaven like?
Oliver (thinking deep):
I don’t know. I don’t think I am in heaven yet. I say so because I have not met my mom yet in the Rainbow Bridge. Don’t get me wrong, I love it on the farm, and I get to run and play everyday. I get to catch rabbits, squirrels, snakes and grasshoppers everyday till the sun goes down. Wanda never calls me in, and I get to go indoors when I feel like it. It is life without any rules. I am still waiting to get my paws on her cats, but they are too smart for me. Maybe tomorrow…there is always tomorrow (with a look of optimism).
Me: So, why are you not in heaven yet?
Oliver: I don’t know. I think your sorrow keeps me in this plane of existence.
ME: Huh?
Oliver: When you cry for me every night, your tears bind me here. I cannot find that light to go to.
Me(☹ crying):
OH Oliver! I am so sorry.
Oliver: Please don’t. I love you, Daddy. I will always love you. You gave me the best home and best life. I never realized it until I met other dogs who have had a bad life with no one to love. I hear of stories of puppies who were abandoned, cruelly treated, abused and I cannot imagine such a life.
I was a very lucky pup. I never was able to tell you that, but I showed it to you when we hugged and I licked your face and ear every evening. I loved it when you took me on your lap and caressed my chin and ears. My most favourite was when you scratched my tail. I get shivers thinking about it.
Me: I miss those moments I wish you would never go…
Oliver: Me too but my time has come and it was time to go. You made it easy, and I was having a bad time moving, eating. When I was unable to contain myself, I was embarrassed that you had to clean me up after my mess. No, daddy, it was time to go. Thank you for giving me a good death. That is a courageous act and I am grateful.
Oliver: So, what is grieving like? What is it like to lose something or someone you love?
Me: It is like my whole world got torn apart. My life became a big haze and I don’t know what to do. It feels like my heart got shredded, and there is no repair. The sorrow I feel seems to have no end. Life seems awfully grey since you left and I feel like I am drifting without an anchor. Your presence gave me such a purpose and connection to everything. My routines are now changed and I have no motivation to even get out there much.
Oliver: Funny I was just thinking about the meaning of Life too during the past week. You want to know what I think: Life is like watching a movie long after it has started, and you don’t know the plot, but you muddle through the scenes, never able to ask anyone what the plot is about, and before it is over, you are asked to leave and you don’t know how it ends.
But I never knew Grief. Both of you were always there for me since I came to your lives. I was never in want of anything.
ME: You came into our lives and left so quickly. I though you would be with me forever.
Oliver (looking bemused):
Really? Don’t you know that we don’t live forever? If I was to be left an orphan, who will look after me? Being abandoned without my daddies would be a fate worse than death. No one will love and look after me the way both of you do. I never want to be abandoned in a dog pound. I have heard horrible stories about abandoned dogs who have no hope of ever finding a loving home. No,,, I definitely do not want to outlive either one of you. I would die of a broken heart.
ME: Yeh, I know but I don’t want to believe it. You were to be my forever dog till I died.
Oliver: (Big grin): now that is ridiculous…You, of all people, know that Life is never forever.
Me: So, you really ok?
Oliver (shaking himself):
Hell yes…I got a whole new body and I feel great. I felt lousy for the past two months, but the last three weeks were the worse. I did not know what was happening. But I am worried about you, Daddy. You need to get over this heartache. It is not good for you.
ME: miss your presence. I miss the sound of your bell when we walk together, I miss your companionship vey much, I miss talking to you and I miss our daily group hug. You were my Rock. I feel so terribly alone.
Oliver: But Daddy, I will always be around! At least, now you don’t have to shop and cook for me!
Me (half laughing):
Yes, my freezer is practically empty now.
Oliver: I was a picky eater, wasn’t i?
Me: No kidding. I had to microwave your food for 40 seconds before you would even touch it. You are spoilt! You took your time to decide when you wanted to eat. Poor Wanda had to give you lunch in the privacy of her truck because you did not want to eat with the other dogs.
Oliver: Would you? Those other dogs were pigs! So badly trained, and one would think their owners starved them. No eating etiquette at all. They did not even chew their food. I relished every morsel I ate because I knew you cooked them with your hands and love. (grin)
Me: So, what do I do now?
Oliver (without a hesitation):
Get another puppy!
Me (shocked): What! I am too upset and I don’t think I can handle another loss. Your departure left a big hole and I cannot go through this again.
Oliver: Now that is nonsense! Dad, listen: you have so much to love, and there is, out there, a puppy or a dog that needs to be loved, and there is no one better to do it than you. If you cherish my memory, go find another dog, and love it the way you loved me. Love is not finite; it has no limits. The sliver of pain in your heart holds a million universes, the sun, the moon, the storms and the calm. It can also contain all the love in the universe. Or, if you allow it, it can contain all the darkness of the universe. Don’t close up your heart because your soul will wither if you do. That is not the daddy I know and love.
Me: I feel I will betray your memory
Oliver: Dad! NO!. If you wish to honour my memory, this is what you need to do. Your getting a new dog is a testimony of the love we shared. We will always be the three Musketeers. I will look forward to seeing you, from above, the fourth addition to our family. I bet he will not be as cute as I am, or as adorable, but no dog is perfect as me. I promise you when we meet, all 3 of us will gather around and give each other a group hug and shout out “AAAWWWWWW”… just like old times, eh? We will go for our endless walks again and be content watching the sun go down. Wouldn’t that be great?
Tell you what—I will send some of my love molecules to the new puppy and you will see me in him. I will send my happy molecules to you when you are lonely and some ‘Sunshine’ molecules when you are blue. Throw in a molecule or two of stubbornness to the new puppy so that you will not forget me.
I like the name “Benjamin, Alfred or Darcy.” Pick one. You will tell him all about me and what a great dog I was. To him, I’d like to bequeath my collar, bell and leash. Oh, let’s not forget the bowl, and my four beds. If he is really nice, you can give him Mr. Hedgehog. Make sure he does not chew it up and destroy it. Mr. Hedgehog is my favourite
ME: I will do just that
Oliver: Can you do me a last favour?
Me: What is that?
Oliver: Can you sing me our song, pleeeze? It is our song and it always makes me happy when I hear it. I feel so peaceful and content when you sing it. Daddy David never sang that song to me.. It is our song.
Me (with shaking voice and Oliver sings along with me):
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,
You make me happy
When skies are grey;
You’ll never know, dear,
How much I love you,
Please, don’t take
My……………………
Oliver: I love that song. You always sang it to me when we were together.
ME: How do I know you will still be around?
Oliver: Oh, don’t worry, I will check up on you now and then. You will know. Expect the unexpected
Me: And what is that?
Oliver (ignoring the question):
Dad?
Me: Yes?
Oliver ( taps me on the nose with his nose):
I love you so much. You will always be my number one Daddy. Thank you for the wonderful life. I was blessed to be your Number One puppy.
Stay well and be good to yourself. OK. I need to run off to find my buddies. (Oliver turns and runs about ten feet, turns back and smiles. I see the twinkle in his eyes as the sun hit his face in the setting sun)
ME: Oliver wait up! I need to pick up the shovel
(I turn around and gather the tools and turn back only to find Oliver has disappeared.)
ME (tears): Oliver, you did not give me a hug before you left. How could you ?????
Out of no where, I noticed on the left, a monarch butterfly fluttering away, catching the last sunbeams of a warm summer day. It flew among the flowering tree and left in the direction Oliver ran off
ME: Good bye Au Revoir, Mr. Oliver. We will meet again someday. Wait for me.